November 30, 2012
I am so sorry that I have neglected this little blog, but I have been happily lost in baby land and don’t want to come back to earth again.
Our sweet son was born at home on Sunday the 18th promptly at 5:30am after a very short but intense labor. The first four nights after he arrived I could hardly sleep because I just wanted to lay there and look at his beautiful little face. It is hard for me to type this post actually without crying, (partially due to the lack of sleep, not to mention the hormones still raging).
I cry because when I look at him I see the little person I thought I would never hold. He’s a miracle and what that means to me just wells up inside every time I look at his sweet little face – What a gift! There are things in life that each one of us goes through I believe, that either make us stronger in faith and cause us to realize who we are and our purpose in life. There are trials and pathways that we have to walk through that lead us through severe pain and loss…we either run away and loose ourselves or learn to accept so that it will make us people of faith and not sight. The long trial of being without a child in our marriage was so severe at times I could feel it almost physically crushing my spirit. We hoped for a child for around 4 years (we have been married 7.5). We experieneced a loss of a child three years ago and pretty much gave up hope of having a child biologically. Yet in all of the pain, late nights of tears and conversations with Doctors, Naturopaths, specialists, and friends, we still could see the thin thread of God’s sustaining grace and good plan for our lives, even in the midst of infertility and miscarriage. And for this I am profoundly thankful. There were times where we had to hold the other person up, where one of us had lost faith but never did we both loose faith at the same time.
So when I look at our little son who is half Torrey (more like all Torrey) and half me, I still can’t hold back the heart swells and tears of joy, and I never want to ever loose this feeling. He is God’s little miracle to us..a sign to us of God’s grace. A confirmation for me that God does not crush a bruised reed or blow out a smoldering wick. He gently leads those with young. I know friends who have been told they can never have babies. I have friends that have tried longer and harder than we ever did, dear people I know that have walked through countless miscarriages and years of treatment only to wind up at the same place they started. The mysteries of life and of God I can not comprehend. The paths that each of us are on, I can not understand. But I have found these friends to be the truest and most genuine of hearts. The tide of pain has given them a tenderness and understanding of the world that can only be found in those beautiful souls of strength and valor.
Therefore I want to end this very real post (this is not my particular fashion to spill my guts over the internet) with a declaration of thanks.
I am thankful for last 4 years. They gave me long-suffering, deep inner peace, and a perseverance of faith.
I am thankful for loss. It has put a foundation under my feet. It has taught me what true gain really is.
I am thankful for pain. It has taught me what true joy looks like.
I am thankful for God. The Sustainer and Giver of every good thing.
I am thankful for Torrey, who never lost hope, the comforter of my heart.
And last but not least…I am thankful for Jackson, my little miracle.